28th July 2020

Addiction treatment journey – week 17

This is the 15th instalment of a series of blogs following a client’s journey in treatment and at this point they have spent over four months at Broadway Lodge and it’s the client’s last full week in treatment. Their below journal and significant event entries show that they’ve had a very productive and positive week which is so great to see. The progression they have made since the start of their treatment journey is incredible.

 

Tuesday

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “Group therapy and workshop.”

Why was it important to me? “I really enjoyed breaking things down, getting to the truth. Be it for me or my peers I really do find it to be the most beneficial part of treatment. As Markkus pointed out, we can’t hide our behaviours, in that environment they become exposed whether we like it or not. The real therapeutic value is when we start to recognise, accept, then listen to feedback. Show some openness and humility.”

 

Wednesday

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “Group and ‘thunk’ debating hypothetical questions.”

Why was it important to me? “I loved exploring peers’ answers. Exploring our ethical and moral opinions and viewpoints. Making me think and see others reasoning. It’s interesting how much you can know about someone by a simple answer to a hypothetical question.”

 

Thursday

Journal entry:

“Had another really good day, this is taking some getting used to and I almost feel ‘normal’ whatever that is? But I also feel like I can’t last, like I don’t believe it’s true. Happening to me! All the things in life I had – education, high paid job, house, sports cars, best clothes, girlfriends, kids made no difference to how I felt inside, in fact it made me worse. I wondered why people would say you have everything going for you, you should be happy! Well I wasn’t at all, I hated myself and everyone else – just full of hate. Now I feel full of empathy, compassion and most importantly, love for all. If they accept it great – if not that’s up to them. I no longer hold resentments. You know, it’s funny because although I’m on Step 2  I feel – I know I’m working the steps. I’m changing my behaviour and thinking sooo much. I’m pleased with myself. And I just have an overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude. Like anything is possible.”

Today I am grateful for: “Having a sex drive and interest in women (beguiling but dangerous to my recovery), my mental and physical health – so fortunate to come through unscathed. Staff, peers, Broadway Lodge. To be here now where this place is changing to a therapeutic place which gets the best from me. Living in England in Spring/Summer. You know what, I just feel alive. High on life and I’m only in rehab! Wow!”

 

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “Self-worth lecture from Markkus.”

Why was it important to me? “Again it was a lecture where we were able to break down what self-worth and self-esteem actually mean. What builds them and what destroys them. Self = identity. Worth = of value. So no wonder we all had none when we arrived at Broadway! And we went round all the peers and we said what had changed for us and it was so nice to see – people weren’t just saying it. You could see and feel it.”

 

Friday

Journal entry

“Relapse prevention workshop was really good. Understanding a lapse is not a relapse. I have started to practice Agape – love for everyone, unconditional love.

My peer done her Step 5 and was so happy when she saw me and said there were lots of nice comments, but I was the only one who said “I love you” and I said I do love you! I care about you as a person and peer and fellow addict and I want you to be happy. That felt so nice to be able to say such nice things and mean it and feel it.

I am living and feeling these changes and I know why people refer to it as magic. It feels magic but it’s really not. It’s really quite simple. Follow the suggested things day by day and that’s it. How did I not discover this earlier.”

Today I am grateful for: “Lovely walk to Weston with my peers. Markkus’s lectures, love them. That I’m able to love myself and everyone.”

 

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “Walk to Weston with my peers.”

Why was it important to me? “After sooo long in lockdown it was nice to get out in the sun with peers.”

 

Saturday

Journal entry

“I was becoming concerned that my deep emotions were somehow leaving me, that I was going to become egocentric again. That now the utter turmoil and internal conflict, physical and emotional pain was leaving me and I was beginning to feel happier, more ‘normal’. I was losing something precious the gift of desperation gave me. That I’m able to recognise today. However, I was beginning to feel vulnerable, self-conscious, self-doubting, confidence draining out of me. I was now the House Leader and facing a share to introduce myself and the house, and to be honest I don’t like talking to a TV, very impersonal and I was beginning to worry I had no connection to the ex-resident shares.

Well guess what?! I needn’t have worried. I nervously introduced Simon’s share, then…, then he began to talk. Wow! All my negative thoughts gone. Awareness of my peers behind me – gone! Just me and him listening and feeling him bearing his soul, a connection being organically formed! It lit me up. It fired my heart and soul up!”

Today I am grateful for: “My feelings and words are shared by another addict! A similar age to me – started using mid-90’s to be cool. Ha! How fitting that we were so cool we froze our hearts. Closed our creative spirits down to look ‘cool’ and it was only for what we thought others think. Total insanity and a criminal waste of precious life and talent. No more – just for today.”

 

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “Becoming House Leader and taking my first ex-resident share.”

Why was it important to me? “I was really nervous and more than a little self-obsessed. Then from nowhere came some confidence and the share was genuinely the best share I’ve ever heard. I heard him and I felt it. The option of sharing back was not a conscious one. But I identified at such a deep level that I just found myself saying ‘Hi, I’m an addict’ and it just came out. I felt so good, so calm afterwards.  Done so much for my self worth/esteem. And the guy punched his chest and thanked me. What a connection.”

 

Sunday

Significant event form

The most significant event of today was: “My peers medallion. Completed 12 weeks of treatment after being discharged and a painful relapse. What an achievement.  Shown maturity and courage beyond his 26 years. Came in a shadow of a boy and left a man with respect and dignity. Broadway Lodge = Miracle Mansion.”

Why was it important to me? “The most bitter-sweet thing that’s happened to me since walking in to Broadway a broken shadow of myself. The bond I built with him is special, a deep connection that helped us both through treatment. I have love for friends today, I feel it in my heart and soul. And I’m so proud to have given him away at his medallion. I love that guy. It says on medallion ‘I am responsible’ and I hope and prey he is. Amazing day.”